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Butt Clenching

Updated: Aug 11

This whole butt clenching thing is really stirring me.

Physical therapist prescribed.

Apparently my glutes haven't been working for awhile.

One of the biggest stabilizing muscles in our bodies just turned off into pounds of mushy nothingness

Likely resulting in the tear of my ACL during that blow.

There was not enough surrounding strength to stabilize upon impact.

Classic.

What I hear is that I did this to myself.


Months prior I had been having some moderate foot pain that I saw a podiatrist for once.

Unsure of the proper diagnosis he gave me two

and said it could be both, somewhere in the middle, or something

Baxter's Neuritis and/or Plantar Fascitis

Fancy names with the simple prescription of insoles and rest.

Great.

I had just signed up for my first 50k race and was well on my way to calling myself a true trail runner.

But I did as the doctor said, and I rested.

As good patients do.

As good young women who are taught to do as they're told do.

But you know, I really thought to myself, now is the season to take care of me

So I even called up a pelvic floor PT that I had been referred to see years ago,

last time I was living in my mom's house broke and unemployed.

And man, did I find out my pelvic bowl was tight.

Pelvic bowls are supposed to have I think six planes of movement, and mine was stuck like a cemented gargoyle

once living, shut into place.

We worked on breathing into my lower abdomen and pelvis for all of the initial sessions.

What do you mean breathe into there?

I had no mind-body awareness in that region.

Like at all.

I literally had to put my hand on my perineum to feel it move

ever so slightly, but palpably

to communicate to my mind that breath was in fact reaching its way into the forgotten depths of my body.

Not even five sessions in,

the man that was last closest to that perineum died

And on the morning of his memorial service, while playing a soccer game in his honor, I took a blow to the left leg

There was not enough stability to support me while I crumpled to the ground

Fuck.

The inside shredded.

Why hadn't I started taking care of myself earlier?

So now I'm a couple weeks post-surgery

and in addition to getting my range of motion back, I'm prescribed butt clenches.

My PT literally said "you can hold competitions with your friends and see who can hold their butt muscles tight the longest."

As if it's a game.

Butt clenching is not a game to me.

It used to be a compulsive obsession that nearly killed me.

The length of time I could stand used to be controlled.

Standing burned too many calories -

Calories I couldn't afford to lose.

My skin was falling off my bones and one doctor had whispered to my mom that I was about one month out from dying. I don't know why my mom shared that with me. Maybe it was a plea.

But anyway, sitting down was safer.

Lying down was the best.

I lost privilege to stand after meals and was told that if I don't eat what's on my plate this time I would be confined to the wheel chair full time.

I think that happened once or twice.

I feared those fucking calories that were training so in vain to get me to keep.

So I took mattered into my own hands.

They couldn't stop me from clenching my butt cheeks, and I could hide it pretty damn well.

So up and down they went all damn day

My bony ass against those plastic hospital chairs.

I remember being in the airport on our way to the Children's Hospital in Nebraska sitting next to my mom

Anxiety bulging the eyes out from under that shaggy black hair.

She was frail, but not as frail as me.

There I sat, clenching my butt together.

I would outlast those mother fuckers who were about to try to take me on.

I guess they kinda got tired.