I’m sorting
Sorting my strong feelings for you
Even with never having laid eyes on you
Only hearing tales and seeing images from Luke
And well, he came back to you more than he ever did to me
And that leaves me resentful,
And intrigued
Intrigue seems to be dripping into obsession since he’s left this earth
You were the gateway drug
And I’m scared to get a taste of you
Because what if I become addicted too
What if you aren’t all that beautiful
And what if you are
Was the high of being in your light and shadows worth his life
I’ve never found something worth my life
But I think maybe I’m missing it
I feel that void
He was onto something
I just wasn’t seeing it
Hours of frustrating conversations
I wasn’t fully listening
I didn't know how
Until just before the end
And what I finally heard
Freed me, to let him love what he loved
Without expectation or judgment
But I also knew, and he knew,
Where this was going to end
I just didn't expect it to be so soon
And I wanted to swallow the acceptance I had just come to
As soon as I heard the news
If I hadn’t let him go would he still be here?
I wouldn't have spent so much of our time being mad at him for accepting death as a risk
If I’d had known how limited our time was
I would’ve said tell me more, teach me more, show me more
And leaned into him with curiosity instead of selfish longing
In a weeks’ time I’ll drive my beat up red Tacoma
With a photo of him tucked in the sun visor above the seat he rode in,
Into the forests that climb up your glaciated walls to a summit that could erupt and swallow me whole
He used to write my name up there,
In that summit log
I’ll bet that never mattered to you,
a cold indifferent mountain
But he would phone me to share that
With his suntanned face, messy blonde hair and sparkling green eyes
And I can hear my name and his laughter up there now
I have to return
It’s strange I just typed the word return
When in fact this will be my first time
But perhaps it’s his hand that wrote my name, or the love I felt for him that he felt for you
That makes this feel like a return
I’m coming to see you in a wounded body with a torn knee
The very vehicle I need functioning properly to walk up to you
Snapped on the morning of Luke's memorial service
Was he telling me to slow down
Or was it just bad timing?
Either way it feels unfair
And I well know, it’s my mindset that makes things unfair
But i'm still rewiring
And my rage and my running had sustained me thus far
Surgery will be just 8 days away from when I camp at your base
And I’m scared
Scared of my body, that’s already been pumped full of chemicals, starved, violated, cut open and rearranged, going under the knife again
Scared of not having support
But more so of needing it
Scared of the recovery process
And of letting go of my ego and all that I’ve clung to
But mostly I’m scared of all of this happening without him being here
Cognitively I know there will be life and regaining of strength and motion after surgery
But this feels like a final chance
Cognitively I know there is life after his death
But this feels like a final breath
My ego says:
I want to make it to the top
I want to make it to the top alone
So it to be just me and you up there
And we can have it out
And I can let go of all the anger and sadness and erupt onto you
I no longer want to be the one eroding away
I know you can handle it
A volcano unto yourself
You’ve seen more death, destruction, sunsets, and sunrises than I ever will
Will you humble me
Will you humiliate me
Will you empower me
Will you throw me into fight
Or flight
I need to accept that even after having traveled far I may not make it up to you,
Sitting so high in the sky
But when I’m at your gate
Is there anything you want to say to me?