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Not a Zen Fucking Buddha

Updated: Sep 4


Like most people, I’ve known athletes who have had injuries that put them out for awhile I’ve always felt pretty bad for them I imagined them consumed with the mental and physical prospect they were undertaking I pictured them spending a day in bed frozen, unsure, upset But that’s about the length my imagination could take me along their journey

Now to be on the other side of knee surgery And waking up to find out more was torn and I’d be non-weight bearing for awhile in addition to the nearly year-long road to recovery Feels painstakingly familiar and wildly different at the same time Instead of punching someone in the face like I wanted I smiled and said “I got this” Knee surgery sounds so insignificant and silly compared to cancer But it’s not The focus on healing envelopes my world Not just for one day in bed But every minute of every day And it pisses me off and makes me enormously sad at times

I look at the scars for most of my waking hours I poke the swelling as if I can make it disappear faster I will my mind and my body to make my knee bend further And I massage the knots and tightness forming all over my compensating muscles Sometimes I wonder if a pain pill would make these days move faster But they make me puke

The way I used to move in the mountains was the medicine And now I have to stay here for awhile Where the roads are paved And there’s sharp corners and artificial lights And so many goddamn people The unemployment, couch surfing, and inability to drive my manual car forces me to shove my “goddamn independent woman ego” in a box deep in the basement Everything’s new and disorienting And my arms get tired trying to crutch my way up this mound of grief my legs used to be able to run me up and over

I know things get better I know I get stronger every day But this is just a note to say to all the active people out there who are forced to be still, I get it Some days I feel like a zen fucking Buddha and like I’m acing the shit out of this test And at other times I feel like a full on teenager yelling “you ruined my life” to no one in particular

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